apparently I wrote a substantially identical text:
I suppose I repeat and contradict myself
we have this ideal of not wasting time
which is empty
it is empty because we have no ideals
no mission
no purpose
no sense of urgency
not this clarity about the preciousness of existence
so you want to NOT waste time so that you can get something
…and then waste time, now that you’ve gotten it
this can never work
you exert willpower to force yourself to productivity
with time you create a habit around it
before you know it this very habit is “wasting time”
before you know it you work just to stay busy
just for the comfort of meeting this ideal of “not wasting time”
if you’re smarter you start holding yourself accountable to results obtained — rather than hours lost
but it still doesn’t solve the problem if you don’t even know what you want
don’t have the true sense or urgency about existence
just egotic desire, for some egotic ideal
so you want to NOT waste time so that you can get something
…and then waste time, now that you’ve gotten it, now that you’ve proven yourself
can you see the inherent paradox of that?
can you be two opposite things at once?
you at once affirm being productive and being unproductive
so when you’re actually productive you’re thinking of one day being unproductive
and when you’re unproductive you wish you were productive
this is obviously a paradox
your ideal of productivity is merely a reaction to the dreaded un-productivity, to the dawdling and time-wasting, to your own lingering dissatisfaction with yourself and with your life
it has nothing to do with the actual realisation of the urgency of life
…because you know nothing of the urgency of life
every single day of your life you were more or less not-dead — you know nothing of death
but life is short
years are short
days are short
and you will see this better than ever when you finally fall in love with living
which will happen when you stop wasting time waiting to live — in some idealised future
and this is how you come upon this sense of urgency
WORKING TO GET SOMETHING is actually the very opposite of urgency
it implies distance, from not-having-now, to having-one-day
there’s no time for that!
life always happens now
this is what true sense of urgency entails
that you live now
and again this doesn’t imply giving up on your “future”, or any of that nonsense
it is merely the end of conflicts
the end of imagined self-sacrifices
the end of this jarring separation
the end of becoming
and the beginning of being