There’s a BALANCE SHEET in every relationship — it records the VALUE YOU GAVE, and the VALUE YOU RECEIVED.
You ALWAYS want to have GIVEN MORE than you received.
You want to have GIVEN MORE than you received.
And you want that to be recognized by BOTH SIDES.
Because VALUE in a RELATIONSHIP is not objective and quantifiable — like $$$s are.
Therefore you both must agree on it.
Which is actually difficult because VALUE-EXCHANGING in a relationship is spontaneous and implicit.
It’s all good and natural — until someone feels underappreciated or mistreated.
….and it’s EASIER to make sure you’re not UNDER-delivering if you’re… OVER-DELIVERING.
now
Once the balance sheet is settled — you are free to GIVE MORE, or you are free to GIVE NOTHING.
Likewise you are free to TAKE MORE, or you are free to say “NO THANK YOU”.
Obviously the more VALUE is mutually EXCHANGED — the “closer” such relationship is.
…and again, it’s not trivially quantifiable — just like you can’t quantify intimacy and rapport.
You are absolutely free to choose to NOT TAKE MORE and NOT GIVE MORE — you may want LESS of a relationship with someone
OR you may want MORE.
If you want LESS — then you TAKE LESS AND GIVE LESS.
If you want MORE — then you GIVE MORE, and expect more.
And what if it’s not given? What if you give more — and don’t receive?
Of course you’re not offended.
Someone may or may not want a closer relationship with you. Maybe they want closer but not much closer. Maybe they don’t want to see you at all.
There’s nothing to be offended about here.
There’s nothing to fear either.
“Rejection” is mere difference in values and expectations.
And there’s no secret about it.
And what if someone wants more from you?
Then they themselves are to give more.
And at that point you may decide that it is fair. That it is a worthwhile transaction for you.
Or you can say “no thank you”.
Remember: the balance sheet is consensual. And if you don’t agree on it — you can, and should part ways.
Now of course many people won’t understand it.
And there will be people who will be asking for more — while refusing to give more.
And there will be people who will be taking more — while refusing to give more.
And they will be have their own balance sheet, and won’t give much thought to yours.
You must then convey your perception of the balance sheet and it’s unevenness.
Because we are not perfect. We are not enlightened. And we are changeable.
Making and reinforcing “rules” is of course an admission of defeat, of the failure of trust and adherence to those rules.
Nevertheless you must do it, because indeed we are not perfect.
And some of us actually not very well-meaning.
You must convey your rules, your perception of the BALANCE SHEET — and if the person fails to be fair since — they are LEECHES, or mentally damaged — and must preferably not be dealt with.
Likely:
-mental disorders
-mala fides
-extreme social disability
The BALANCE SHEET MUST BE EVEN — or slightly in favour of the other person.
now
HOW do you PRACTICALLY GIVE MORE?
Guide yourself with the GOLDEN RULE:
–GOLDEN RULE for your RELATIONSHIPS (semi-close).
–SILVER RULE for everyone else in the world
(because if you don’t know someone well or very well — what you think they want may not be what they think they want)
ALWAYS REWARD PEOPLE
this one is extremely simple
-they give — you give (more)
-they show kindness — you show kindness (and more)
-etc
ALWAYS COMPLIMENT PEOPLE
obviously sincerely
And then it’s obviously something you already FEEL about them — so it’s MERELY a matter of SINCERE, FREE EXPRESSION
Make a HABIT out of this POSITIVE EXPRESSION. For EVERYONE you meet:
-You express yourself, thus also INFORM people about your values and character.
-you give value, give positivity
-you REINFORCE in the world that which you consider VALUABLE
-if you can give something to someone — just DO
And do all of the above from the place of EMPATHY, COMPASSION and SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE
-this is how the VALUE YOU GIVE is accurate (is valuable to the other person)
-ACCURATE even before it was very DIRECTLY STATED — which is of course most of the time.
THIS is how you give more.
You want to give more so that you are ALWAYS FAIR in your relationships. ALL of your relationships.
By giving even more you communicate you WANT more.
By saying “no thank you” you communicate you don’t want more.
By balancing the balance sheet you show your appreciation.
And by balancing the balance sheet you’re keeping all your relationships healthy.